No matter how much i try to fight it i am currently split in 3. Well, split between three men. So lets break this down.
The one that got away, the one that i was too impatient for, the one I genuinely really liked so much so that every time he kissed me and took my face in his hands I completely lost myself. Why did i have to be so impatient and focus so much on fucking texts rather than what he was saying to my face? There is absolutely no way i can come back from this, a few things have happened since we went our separate ways that have cemented the fact that it is never going to happen. I need to forgive myself for pushing him away. I think it’s more about forgiving myself than him now. I’ve made my bed and i need to lie it in….with him preferably haha
The dick head, the one that judged me for something i did before i even had met him and basically through his toys out the pram as they say. I was gutted with how things ended, he damaged me a little, made me lose some of my self worth because he discarded me so easily….or so it seemed. Just before New year we reconnected and i happened to catch him at a moment after a couple of drinks and the truth came out. He said that he regrets everything, how we ended, how he reacted and he would given the chance, do it all over again (obviously without the hissy fit part). So i had to take some space to access whether i genuinely missed him or if i just just enjoying hearing what he was saying.
Which leads me to think about the whole S situation, how i wished he would give me a second chance. Maybe i should give A another chance? I miss him, what we had was good, he was a great boyfriend and he adored me. I fucking deserve that.
He doesn’t get an initial, he gets a full on title. Yes, okay there is the problem with alcohol but from my last contact with him, he isn’t drinking anymore. Of course i have to take that with a pinch of salt, but i hope to my core that he really isn’t drinking. Time heals, and time allows growth. I’m not the same person i was when i was with him, i have had to find myself again after losing myself, become stronger and a truer version of myself and i am so much more of the person i always wanted to be. So surely, the same has happened to him? Could this break be just what we needed in some weird, fucked up way to make us stronger? I have no idea if he would even take me back, i essentially walked out on him at a time when he needed support. So it’s not just me that needs to forgiven. Can he forgive me?
Okay….so this has turned into something a lot bigger than i was anticipating.